WHAT YOU TOLERATE NEVER STOPS

Dr. Walubita Siyanga
2 min readOct 15, 2022

Short story: A Man cheated on his Wife and felt guilty. So he came to his Wife and confessed “Honey, sorry I slept with another Woman today “ The Wife was disappointed and hurt, but lovingly, she held her husband with tears rolling down her cheeks and she said to him, “ I forgive you, but please don’t do it again.” ….But the man did not stop! He did it again and again, each time confessing to the wife, and the wife continued to forgive him hoping for change, but there was no change.

The moral of the story: The wife was actually indirectly enabling and encouraging her man to cheat by giving forgiveness without demanding for change. Just mere forgiveness and saying don’t do it again was not really dealing with the situation.

Friends, some of us have relationships with people who have serious character issues (Illicit sexual relationships, Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, physical abuse e.t.c) and all we have done is encourage those behaviors by tolerating them or down playing the seriousness of the issues. We just keep forgiving without demanding real change, and guess who suffers or gets sick at the end? Yes, You!

So how do you stop enabling and encouraging dysfunctional behaviors in your partner?

1) Face facts: By denying the real problem your partner has, you are enabling your loved one.

2) Control your own behavior: You can only change yourself and how you react to the person you’re enabling:

- Stop defending them.

- Stop lying for them.

- Stop bailing them out.

- Stop tolerating them.

When enough is enough, let your partner face the consequences of their own action.

3) Tough Love: You’ll have to give up your life as a rescuer and enabler. They will lie, scheme, manipulate, and flood you with guilt or lash at you with fury. Show them that you have had it with their behavior.

4) Put your foot down: Set your parameters. If someone is cheating on you they must go! There is too much involved in cheating for it to be thought of as a mistake: Its always planned and pre-meditated, especially when it happens more than once. If someone is not placing value or treasuring what you share, show them the door!…or if need be, you leave!

Note: Last time I shared something like this, some people wrote me saying am encouraging break ups. Well the fact of the matter is — I do not encourage anyone to stay in a relationship that will destroy them. So if this post offends you, maybe you are just the one am writing about and you need to stop abusing your partner in the name of “I will change one day!”

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Dr. Walubita Siyanga

Training Consultant, Life Coach, Counselor, Motivational speaker, Branding/Media Consultant, TV/Radio Personality and Author